


lost it to trying

by mairieux



Category: VIXX
Genre: Fluff, I hope, M/M, Mornings, art piece kinda wordy shit pretentious stuff, hakyeon and taekwoon: talks, im bad at this if you haven't guessed so far, it's all good, pls read i promise it's better than it looks, there's some pain but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 18:31:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16561043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mairieux/pseuds/mairieux
Summary: Jung Taekwoon truly lost it to trying, and he really should've seen Cha Hakyeon coming all along





	lost it to trying

**Author's Note:**

> this is more or less an art piece, so if it’s too wordy, too fluttery, or even unconventional, it was all on purpose! enjoy <3

 

Taekwoon should’ve seen it coming, as he stretches out while draped in their heavy white comforter, wiggling his toes that poked outside in the cold, biting morning air. There’s barely enough light seeping in the room, despite the pristine, crème curtains Hakyeon prefers that every morning blankets them in a heavenly glow.

It’s moments like these that Taekwoon can really call the holy hours of the morning. It’s just quiet, gentle; the intimacy of cuddling under their comforter with their bodies pressed skin on skin – he almost worships it.

“Taekwoonie,” he hears Hakyeon drawl. Hakyeon’s voice always sounds like home for him, giving him a level of comfort that he can only really see materialising when they talk with their hearts out in the open - just like now. “Can I ask you something?” His finger trails up to draw light circles on Taekwoon’s collarbones that Taekwoon tries to squirm away from.

“What is it?” Taekwoon’s voice, in comparison to Hakyeon’s, is- well, always soft. Speaking in feathery whispers and tender syllables, you’d really need to pay absolute attention to listen to him clearly.

Not Hakyeon, though. Hakyeon didn’t need to adjust to match with him.

From day one on out, he already understood what Taekwoon meant without straining his ears or trying to make him clarify his intentions. Instead of having to mould himself for Taekwoon, he was a storm that Taekwoon had to experience... A force, to reckon with. 

He really should’ve seen it coming, even from then.

Hakyeon, however, suddenly sits up, bringing along the comforter with him and Taekwoon’s close to jumping out of bed from the sudden coldness his body wasn’t ready for; until, in this very intimate morning, Hakyeon asks him, “how many people have you loved before me?”

And Taekwoon almost brushes it off, scrunch his nose at Hakyeon’s daily nonsense and just pull him down for another hour long snuggle – yet, somehow, as their bodies bask in the filtered morning light, Taekwoon sees his eyes glinting.

While Hakyeon easily understands his verbal cues, Taekwoon made sure not to lose in that area as well. It took him longer, yes, but in the long run, he just as easily reads Hakyeon as he does to him.  Breaking apart each glance and turn of his head, it’s listed under the many things Taekwoon knows and loves about him.

“What brings that on?” He sits up too, hands clambering to take some of the comforter Hakyeon brought with him and pull it to hide some of his exposed legs from the cold.

“Nothing, really,” Hakyeon’s looking at the empty bed space beside Taekwoon, silent, “just- Just a thought I suddenly had.”

“Do you really want to know?” Taekwoon only so lately realises that there’s a gentle smile growing on his face, as if his own body is trying to coax Hakyeon in its own will. It works, anyway, when the stiff look in Hakyeon’s features softens gradually, and he takes Taekwoon’s hand in his.

Taekwoon starts.

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ve loved four people before you.”

Hakyeon’s hand in his tightens, his thumb pressing soothingly on his palm and it eases Taekwoon more than he can admit. “Who were they?”

“My Who, my What, my When… My Why.”

 

 

 

 

 

“The first one, Who,” Taekwoon pauses as he breathes out of his nose, “he was a sophomore in college when I was a senior.”

He closes his eyes, eyelashes fluttering as he recalls dusty libraries and golden afternoons. The dimpled smile that he found himself so fond of, one of the very few smiles that Taekwoon adores so much.

“He wasn’t really much-“ Taekwoon continues, eyes still closed. Hints of memories start lighting up inside him, and there’s this feeling of butterflies in his stomach as he remembers each and every one of them. “We just happen to cross each other in the library quite often, and he was an aspiring sound developer for a game, so it was enough to set off for a number of topics.”

The sophomore had a way of being passionate over things he loves, specifically video games and music, and Taekwoon really thought he saw stars behind his eyes as he talks so fervently about what he wants to do in the future.

“Um,” Taekwoon takes a moment to glance at Hakyeon, who’s looking at him with careful eyes. He grins, and he revels in the attention he immediately catches from him. “He was really cute, I guess. Soft brown hair, the widest smile, the deepest dimples… He’s easily one of the most beautiful people I’ve met.”

“What happened, then?” Hakyeon’s tone is still cautious, that Taekwoon almost calls him adorable out loud.

He doesn’t really show it, but Taekwoon sees Hakyeon as the type to be easily jealous; only wanting most of Taekwoon’s attention, wanting to be a lot of his firsts… And so Taekwoon wonders that maybe this whole talk is making him feel like he’s already too late for a lot of things. Silly.

“I told you,” Taekwoon answers breathily as he laughs, “he was just someone who I found pretty in times where timing got kind to us.”

There’s the airy, teasing lilt in his voice that he knows Hakyeon dislikes because it makes him feel like Taekwoon’s making fun of him, but, he really was just one of the many people Taekwoon collected in his memories, just like how dust collected in the stacks and stacks of library books Taekwoon saw him buried in.

 

 

 

 

 

“What, was an old friend,” he continues then, still smiling. “If I shared the interest in music with Who, then I shared almost every aspect and characteristic in my life with What.”

“Were you best friends?”

“Not exactly, I suppose,” Taekwoon says with a shrug. This time, he doesn’t need to close his eyes to relive to memories. Even in the light of day he can see traces of his friend scattered in his life. “I wouldn’t say we were best friends… But I can say he was one of the best people I befriended.”

As a quiet person, Taekwoon already finds it hard to talk to someone, his throat feeling like sandpaper paper and his teeth clashing metal in his anxious bubble. There’s a hidden feeling underneath his bubble wrap of a cover, still. A silent wish to speak out and gush about things he loves just like anybody else.

Dogs, kids, music, cuisine, sports… Somehow, his old friend managed to share all those likes with him and pop him out of his ever so thin bubble wrap. Talking animatedly was, albeit embarrassing to say, something a little new for Taekwoon.

So he found solace in moments when they were alone, his mouth running off about the dog he saw in the corner of the street to his self-called childish yearnings to be a soccer player.

“He never got tired to listen to what I have to say,” Taekwoon mutters, and he sees from his side that Hakyeon’s smiling at him, almost knowingly. This time, now, he does scrunch his nose. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“You’re so cute,” and Hakyeon says it like it’s the easiest thing to do.

“Be quiet,” he shakes his head, ignoring the flirt unless he wants to succumb to further embarrassment.

Hakyeon just smiles at him wider anyway, tightening his grip on his as he asks, “did anything happen between you and your friend?”

“No…” Taekwoon answers with a distant regret, “timing wasn’t kind this time. I never caught him alone when I let my feelings be honest for once. Whenever he gets a new girlfriend — or boyfriend — it’s only when my heart admits the truth and backs off when he’s single.”

“And in the end,” he continues, the bubbling regret coming up at his throat and pours out in his words, the emotions he never mustered enough courage to say out loud until now, “we just, grew distant. I became busy, he didn’t talk about his dog as often as he did before… Only for me to know, next thing, he moved somewhere else without even saying to me.”

“Where is he now?”

Taekwoon shrugs again, non-committed, “no idea. Europe, probably. Maybe I’ll try to find his Instagram – his dog is really cute.”

The laugh he gets from Hakyeon reassures him so much and Hakyeon himself doesn’t even realise it.

 

 

 

 

 

“My next love, When,” Taekwoon introduces now, with a different smile and almost nostalgic, “was my first boyfriend in high-school.”

Hakyeon looks at him with a – kinda? – surprised face, his mouth opening like a dumb goldfish and his eyebrows lifting ever so slightly as he registers.

“Even if it was for a short time,” he goes on, and the ever so longing smile comes back to his face. Comes and goes his memory of youth, running in track fields and burning his fingertips as he nurses coffee late at night to do projects, “he was incredible, Hakyeon.”

“I fell in love with the embodiment of youth,” Taekwoon feels his jaw shaking as he says those words, as if his own mouth is resisting against him, “he was sparkling with determination, full of life, and the fireworks in his eyes never died.”

“What was he like?”

“He was tall, for one. Really tall for a high-schooler. He’s got lips that when he purses it makes him look like a duck,” the younger supplies, remembering his face just as vividly as if he was just sixteen years old yesterday, “he was the one I shared a lot of firsts with, like first kisses, first dates… First heartbreaks.”

“As all first loves go, ninety-percent of the time it doesn’t go well. _When_ was just someone who I fell in love with as a naïve teenager-“ Taekwoon stops, and he tries to ignore the fact that there’s a wave of red colouring his cheeks, “and I think that's what makes him special. You want to know why?”

“Why?” Hakyeon smiles him as if he’s holding out the sun in his very palms, not retelling the story of one of his exes.

“We can only be teenagers once,” Taekwoon replies, squeezing Hakyeon’s hand in his as he punctuates his words, “we can only experience the golden age of being youthful and free, the soles of our feet springing with energy and high on adrenaline only once in our life.”

“I know,” Hakyeon says back, squeezing his hand just as hard and gentle.

 

 

 

 

 

“The last one,” somehow, compared from his previous stories, Taekwoon’s words sound like they have heavier weight this time, “… Why, was a close friend.”

Hakyeon doesn’t say anything for now, reading his gestures, so he continues, “someone _so_ dear to me. He loves to sing, say dumb jokes, make people smile… And like all pretty flowers in the garden, they get plucked first.” Taekwoon closes his eyes again, exhaling heavily as he feels his eyes starting to sting.

“He passed away, leaving with so full of love. I’ve never met someone that had that much love to give to the world, and yet- He left without even being in the _receiving_ end of the thing he so willingly gave everyone.” He feels Hakyeon’s free hand coming up to his face, and- Oh… He’s wiping his face. “Why was- Why _is_ why I love.”

“I _love_ because the moment I saw his grave under the burning sun I realised that there are so many people like him – leaving this world without even experiencing how it feels to be in love. Not knowing the feeling of being hurt, of being held, of being secure – and it tears me apart _so much_.”

Still quiet, still waiting for the right moment to say his thoughts, Taekwoon appreciates Hakyeon so much.

“People every day don’t realise how lucky and special they are to be able to hold their loved ones in every waking moment, in every trouble they go through, they don’t realise that there are people in the world who’ll never get to even experience a sliver of that kind of luxury.”

“I’m so lucky,” Hakyeon finally cuts off, breaking down the speed of emotions going through Taekwoon’s brain, “ _we’re_ so lucky.”

That alone really does make Taekwoon feel like the luckiest person in the world.

“I’m luckier,” he quips, the barest of smiles starting to grow on his face again, “I have you.”

 

 

 

 

 

“So how about me?” Hakyeon asks after a while, after Taekwoon has calmed down and they’ve settled once again in the quiet space inside their bedroom.

“You?”

“Me. How about me? Which one am I?”

“You…” Taekwoon takes a moment, falling back on the pillows and Hakyeon falls down his chest in suit, eyes locked and the beats of their hearts dancing between their chests, “you’re none of them.”

“None of them?” Hakyeon’s pouts, meanwhile cute, isn’t exactly good in context of what just happened, so before he gets to whine even more, Taekwoon cuts him off.

“You’re all of them.”

The off-guard expression Hakyeon wears is enough to electrify Taekwoon for days. He goes to open his mouth, but Taekwoon puts his palm over his lips, shushing him, and then he speaks.

“You’re who I love,” he starts, eyes ever so gently softening as he finally says these words, “my daydreams and my fantasies. The one person I can fall back to at the end of the day. A hand outstretched to me in this tightrope walk we call life.

“You’re what I love, the pinnacle of all my interests and adorations,” Taekwoon says with the smallest of snorts, “someone I talk to endlessly about the most mundane things, and someone I can talk to someone else about without running out of things to say on why I love you so much.”

He feels Hakyeon trying to break free from his hand, but Taekwoon goes on, “you’re when I love, because I _chose_ to be with you; you’re the moment I chose to have forever. Youth was just a part of my life – but I want to spend the rest of it with _you_.”

“And,” he pauses now, taking off his hand from Hakyeon’s mouth as he mutters, “you’re why I love. The reason why I still wake up in the morning and tolerate burnt fried eggs, why I bother to do grocery despite someone forgetting to do the grocery list.”

Hakyeon has his head hung low, staring at Taekwoon’s graphic t-shirt, but he doesn’t take it a sign to stop. “Being with you feels like coming home and wearing a warm of pair slippers after being out in the cold for so long, you know. Like punching a straw to your favourite chocolate-carton drink and enjoying its sweet, sweet taste.”

Looks like he’s overdone it, however, because Hakyeon won’t look at him now and just keeps playing with the hem of his own sleeping shirt.

“Hakyeonnie,” he calls, taking his hands again. And Hakyeon looks at him with the same stream of tears running down his face, looking absolutely beautiful still despite snot’s dripping down his nose.

“I love you, Hakyeon,” Taekwoon never gets tired of saying it, if it means to feel this happy, and special, _and lucky_ , “you’re all that I love.”

“Shut up,” he hears Hakyeon sniffle, and Taekwoon finally makes a grab for their tissue box on the bedside table. Gingerly, he wipes away the tears he caused, before giving Hakyeon the box so he can blow his nose.

“You really better love me, Jung Taekwoon,” Hakyeon says after a while, nose clear and tears-free, “I didn’t marry you for nothing.”

Taekwoon squeezes their hands together again, so tight this time that it makes their rings clink. He’s busy admiring the view when Hakyeon falls flat on his chest and making him wheeze.

“My husband is such a romantic,” Hakyeon comments with a grin that irks Taekwoon a little too much, but all of the annoyance is gone as Hakyeon leans up to kiss him for once this morning.

“You’re not one to talk,” Taekwoon chides after they pull away, but Hakyeon already has other plans and he’s back to kissing again him again.

Taekwoon really didn’t see it coming, and even then, he might as well truly call himself the luckiest man.

**Author's Note:**

> i cant believe i really forgot to mention im so dumb ,, but this was heavily inspired by wong fu's [the last](https://youtu.be/JvxHPtEsmFc)! it's one of the best short films out there and rewatching it... still makes me tear up sometimes.
> 
> i’ve really wanted to really write this type of fic for a long time , maybe three years ago even for a different fandom – but. neo deserves it now. 
> 
> thank you hesseth as always <3 i told you it wasn't as bad as you thought :)
> 
> let me know what you thought!! this was mostly experimental and more... emotional on my part so. i'd really like some feedback!!
> 
> let's talk ! @[jaehwannied](https://twitter.com/jaehwannied)


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